"I've Hated My Hijab Every Single Day for 3 Years": The Confession Hijabis Don't Want to Talk About
Assalamu alaikum. Before I say anything, I need you to know who I am, so you don't judge what comes next.
I believe in Allah with my whole heart. I believe everything I go through is khair and happens for a reason. I know this life is short and that my real life is in the akhira. I try to make even my smallest decisions by asking myself one thing: will this please Him? I don't care about social media. I don't care about trends. I've never cared what people think of me.
I'm 22. I'm in engineering school. I started wearing hijab three years ago.
And I have hated it every single day since.
I knew I would before I even started. I put it on anyway, because I knew that if I kept thinking about it, I would never do it.
I've never said this out loud. So here it is. These are the reasons I hate wearing my hijab.
I don't recognize myself in the mirror.
Modest clothes? I actually love them. What I can't get used to is losing my hair. Some women shine through their figure, some through their hair. For me, it was always my face, softened by my hair falling around it. Even the shadows under my eyes, the ones I inherited from my mom, never bothered me with my hair down. They felt like part of my look. Wrapped up, though, my face is suddenly the only thing anyone sees, and those shadows make me look like I haven't slept in a week. So every single morning it's concealer, mascara, a little color, just so I don't look ill. I miss being able to just wash my face and go, without feeling plain, flat, almost boyish.
I don't feel like a woman in it.
Normally I walk into a room feeling good about myself. In hijab, that feeling just switches off. I feel older than I am, washed out, and nothing about me feels soft or girly anymore, and that softness has always been such a big part of me. There are days I'd rather stay locked in my apartment than go out looking like this.
I don't even know why I'm wearing it.
I know I'm stepping on sensitive ground here. But I've spent years reading, asking, digging, and I still haven't found a reason that truly makes sense to my heart. Honestly? I keep it on mostly out of caution, just in case it really is something Allah requires of me. I accept that I won't understand everything in this life. It's just that carrying something every day without knowing why makes it feel twice as heavy.
It's eating all my energy.
Right now the sun is coming up and I still haven't slept, because my mind won't stop circling back to this. It's even dragging down how I feel about myself at school, where I need every bit of confidence I have. I know all this energy should go to Allah, to my studies, to my life. Instead, one piece of fabric is taking up all the space in my head, and I'm running on empty.
Physically, it's just too much.
Forget the emotions for a second. My body just doesn't like it. The squeeze around my head, the constant pulling, the way it slides back the minute I move, so I'm always reaching up to fix it and sneaking looks at my reflection in every window I walk past. Some days it's so overwhelming that the only thing I can think about is getting home and pulling it off.
I've never felt this far from Allah.
I still feel Him with me, always. But my salah has gotten lazy and my du'a has gone quiet, because I feel like I can't breathe. Something that was meant to pull me toward Him has somehow been pulling me away. Of everything, that's what breaks my heart the most.
Then I got the best advice:
She didn't sugarcoat it: yes, you probably do look prettier without it, and so does she. But she said real confidence in hijab took her years to build. Her advice: create spaces with other women where you can uncover and feel beautiful, and treat your hijab as style, not punishment. Try new colors, prints, fabrics. Today she feels more stylish in hijab than she ever did without it.
So why don't I just take it off?
Believe me, I want to. I'm so tired.
But I'm scared. And I'm tired of being scared. I don't want to come closer to Allah because I'm afraid of hell. I want to come closer because I love Him. I love Him more than that.
My head and my heart have been fighting each other for years. If my mind had enough evidence, it would have won a long time ago, and I wouldn't be writing this.
But it doesn't. So every morning, I wake up, I look in the mirror, and I wrap it again.
If you're reading this and you feel the same way, I want you to know something: struggling with your hijab doesn't mean you love Allah any less. Maybe it just means you're being honest.
We can't fix all of this. But we can help with one part.
We'll be honest with you. The Stayla Hijab Grip Band won't make you feel more beautiful in your hijab. It won't make you want to wear it more. It won't answer the questions in your heart.
But if you've decided to keep trying, out of love for your deen, it can make that daily part faster and more comfortable.
It's a soft band you slip on like a headband, under your hijab. Wrap your hijab over it the way you always do, and it stays where you put it. Less slipping, less pinning, less fixing, less checking the mirror. On in seconds.
One less thing to fight with every morning.